This is enough

Sometimes, more frequently than not, I reflect on my life and I think to myself that this is enough.  I take stock of all that I have and I am content with the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.  Yes it is true that there are days where I fret over what other people have or how little they struggled to have such gifts or privileges but then I shake the crazy out of my head and thank my lucky stars for what I do have.

It makes me wonder why we are placing this burden of a wedding on ourselves.  I have always said that I refuse to forfeit special moments for other advantages. ie. I refuse to not have a  beautiful wedding in order to buy a house tomorrow instead of six months down the line.  But when I reflect on my life I realize that what I have is enough to sustain my happiness.  It's fear that pushes me to want things for myself that are not necessarily as important as say, having a solid support network or finding your soul mate... twice.  I fear that if I don't give myself the things I have always really wanted, you know the important things like a wedding, a house, kids etc. not the things like a flat screen tv or an ipad, I will look back on life and have regrets.  I already have so many regrets that I don't want the really big ones to be part of that.

I have an amazing step-mom.  She CHOSE us.  She knew going in that she was marrying a guy coming straight out of a divorce with three kids.  One still in diapers.  But she jumped in.  She forfeited the big fancy expensive wedding because buying a house and starting a life was the priority.  They lived out of boxes because they sunk all of their money into a home and she forfeited having her own kids because she agreed having another mouth to feed meant reducing everyones quality of life.  Now I'm not saying she made the wrong choice and I'm not even saying she has regrets but she made choices in her life that I don't think I would ever be strong enough to make.  And trust me I am thankful she decided to tough it out and help raise a bunch of kids that weren't hers! 

I guess I'm a bit of a contradiction because I am content.  As I write this I am looking at my future husband sleeping on the couch and I am filled with a feeling of thankfulness.  I am thankful that he saw something in me that made him want to stick around.  I am thankful that I have someone in my life that accepts me for all of my annoying idiosyncrasies, controlling tenancies and unapologetic craziness.  It's times like this that I appreciate as grounding moments.  I get caught up with the whole "keeping up with the Jones" mentality and then I have nights like tonight where I feel like telling the Jones to keep their facebook updates to themselves and shut the eff up!