I love you more than time alone!

I had one of those moments on Saturday where you immediately wish you could take back the words as they are spilling out of your mouth or in the very least have said them in a different way.   The problem is I meant some of the things I was saying, I probably just didn’t need to say them the way I did.

Let’s be honest.  I can be mean sometimes.  I think everyone can.  Sometimes I know I’m being mean and I do it anyway…. Then I feel really guilty about it.  Then other times I’m mean and I think I’m being conversational but really I’m just being hurtful.  Then there is the odd time I am just frustrated and I am trying to express that frustration but I just come of… yup you guessed it… mean. 

On Saturday I told my wonderful amazing future husband that there were times I wished he just wasn’t there.  WOW! I know harsh right.  Let me explain.  I used to be a server (waitress), and then I was/still am a youth worker.  Now I work full time as a recreation coordinator but I moonlight as a youth worker two nights a week.  I used to have the whole of the afternoon to myself to do as I pleased to sit in silence and just have me to contend with.  Now, the only moment I have alone is the hour I have in the morning to get myself ready, fed and out the door for work.  The evenings I am not working my second job someone is always home…ALWAYS!

This would not be so trying if I weren’t also planning our wedding.  And also if as a couple we were those people who reside in the same house but have our own spaces.  We live in a 750sq/ft basement suite and there is no private space.  Aaron often comes into the bathroom as I’m showering to ask me questions like “Babe, where did you put the remote?” or “can you come and make the potatoes? I don’t know what you put on them” and “Where does this dish go?”.  On the one hand I can’t complain because he asks questions for things he is helping with, like making dinner or doing the dishes.  The problem with that however is that it’s not really lessening my burden by making dinner if you are asking me how to do everything every 8 minutes!

So now I feel horrible because I have allowed my frustration to get the better of me. I love spending time with Aaron.  I get terribly blue when I go long periods of time without seeing him.  I have annoyed friends countless times by skipping events due to not seeing enough of my partner that week.  But then there are times when I urge him to go out with the boys.  Go tie one on, I’ll pick you up!  Go out and play poker with your friends, go snowboarding, go play racquetball! Just GO!! Every once and a while just to get some space.  I go out with the girls, I make plans without Aaron, but sometimes you want to be the one that gets to stay home in your PJ’s and watch bad movies all night.  It’s my turn gosh darn it!