Don't Shake the Baby

I have to repeat this to myself.  Not because there is any risk that I would in fact shake my son but because it has become a kind of mantra for me when he is getting just wee bit out of hand.  It is one of those sayings for when you are airing parenting grievances to your bestie and you end it with an exasperated "but really motherhood is awesome, just don't shake the baby".

My monster child at this moment is pant-crying.  It's not a real cry. It comes out in a rhythm like a pant. Short and loud for no reason at all.  He has been doing it every day, throughout the day for about 3 weeks now.  I have a hard time with the crying because for the first 8-9 months of his life he only really cried when he was tired, hungry, or upset.  You know the normals. Lately though we have ventured into the frustrated cries, the "where's mom oh no where did she go" cries and the bodily harm cries.  Oh and lets not forget the new favourite tantrum cry.  I don't know how, but my lovely husband can tune all of these cries out.  I however cannot and after about 4 hours of it I am about to lose my mind.  Thus, don't shake the baby.  I am trying not to pick him up or comfort him every time he cries since in 50 days I go back to work and I really do not want to subject some poor unsuspecting daycare worker to the array of cries.  Time to toughen up kid!

The monster is so mischievous, which I guess we should be glad about because I suppose it means he is smart?  I worry he is going to be one of those horrible destroyer kids.  You know the ones.  We have all experienced a destroyer child.  They are the ones that run around restaurants or scream in the grocery store and when they are on play dates they just destroy everything in their path.  Throwing toys, banging on everything, climbing cabinets etc.  The worry is real.  In the course of 10 minutes my child has escaped his living room barricade and climbed up the stairs, wiggled his way under his playpen and gotten stuck and used his push car walker as a step stool to get up on top of the coffee table.  On the upside he is smart enough to see the weak spots of the barricade to escape, to use toys as ladders and at 10 months old is walking about like a boss. 

A month ago I dreaded the thought of going back to work but at this point I am looking forward to someone else chasing after him while I escape to adult land for 8 hours a day. Until then Lord give me the patience to not shake my baby.

Busted!

Is it that time yet?

I swear focusing on work tasks was not this difficult before I was pregnant.  

So many people have asked me how I am doing with the pregnancy lately.  I think the inquisitions have come more steadily since I have suddenly become VERY pregnant.  Honestly, I look at 7.5 months like what a lot of women look like around the time their water breaks!  I’m doing alright.  I wasn’t handling things very gracefully at the beginning of the third trimester.  It seemed as though I doubled in size over night and with the added girth I wasn’t sleeping at all and I was in pain most of the time.  Right now, right this moment I’m doing okay.  I’ve developed a pretty good bedtime routine that involves doing some stretches for my back and a good crack right before I get into my comfy position for sleep.  It seems to be working so far (knock on wood) since I have had consecutive fulfilling nights of sleep as of late. 

I’m at a point now where I actually don’t mind being pregnant.  It’s actually pretty amazing.  The movements from our little one are stronger and the pressure of him/her moving from side to side is so interesting I don’t even know how to describe it.  On my nights and days off I really enjoy just being with my family and taking care of the house.  Baking.  Organizing.  I guess they call this nesting.  The part that makes it hard is having to get up, put on my happy professional face, drive into Vancouver and work all day.  That is the part that makes pregnancy hard.  Yes, for the most part I sit at a desk.  Not the most comfortable position to be in all day.  When I’m not at the desk I am running programs; whether they are cooking or personal development programs.  It’s not hard work by any means.  It’s really not.  As my lovely Aunty Patti pointed out to me last weekend at my baby shower, my mother worked shift work in a factory when she was pregnant with us.  Pretty sure she didn’t work right up to the end but still.  That’s hard labour.  

So I guess I am torn between feeling like I just don’t want to do it any more even though I only have 6 more weeks to go and feeling guilty because so many more women have so much more demanding jobs and are getting through it.  I know I know.  Every pregnancy is different.  My mom didn’t have any sickness but she did have varicose veins, heart burn and indigestion with all her kids.  I have been lucky so far to avoid those three plus stretch marks (again, knock on wood).  I just keep telling myself one day at a time.  Just take it easy and take one day at a time.  No matter how many times I look at it and try to find a new solution, in order to be off on leave after the baby’s one year birthday I will have to keep plucking along.  6 more weeks and I can finally be home for a bit before baby comes.  Unless baby comes early then I’m screwed! 

Judgment in Pregnancy

I’m tired.  I’m tired physically.  I’m tired emotionally.  I’m tired psychologically.

Mostly I’m tired of feeling judged.  When we found out I was pregnant I was elated.  You couldn’t find a woman more excited than me to know after years of doubting my fertility that in a few months I would get to be a mother.  Something I had thought about and planned for for years.  When you meet the person you know you are going to spend the better part of your life with and I mean that literally because my husband is 100% the better part of my days, you can’t help but begin planning your life and for some that includes having children.  Because I am a planner and I like to have goals and I like to know I am working towards something instead of just treading water I have had an idea of when Aaron and I would have kids from the very beginning.  Some may call this controlling others call it organized.  I call it goal orientated.  Also, being a step-mother really has a way of enhancing that desire; because even though you impact their life greatly, the bottom line is you’re not their mom.  And whether they mean to or not, they will remind you of this technicality regularly.  

I will be honest.  As prepared as I was to become pregnant I was by no means prepared for pregnancy.  I was also not prepared for the judgment that comes with pregnancy.  I could really do without this part. 

I was aware of the morning sickness, I was told about the lack of sleep, the sore everything and the peeing.  I was educated about the cravings and the weight gain as well as the diet limitations, however despite all of this knowledge I must have used my desire to be a mom to delude myself into thinking that I was tougher than I am because most of this has been way more challenging than expected. 

The morning sickness was rough which I have documented in a previous post but I survived that and now that it is over I realize it was a short duration in contrast to the rest of pregnancy.  I was in a car accident a few years ago where a city bus rear-ended me.  I was back at school immediately and was also back at work within two weeks.  How hard could pregnancy be?  For the most part it’s not that bad and at 6 months I know it’s just going to get worse.  So yeah my feet go from normal to hobbit in 2 minutes flat and I wake up in the middle of the night with shooting pains up my calves and in my hips, I’m constantly in a zombie like trance because I haven’t had more than an hour and a half of consecutive sleep.  I get back pain sitting or standing, there is no in between.  Oh and the irritability which creates conflict at home where I would prefer to be most. Other than that it really isn’t that bad.  

I think all of this would be manageable if I didn’t feel like I was somehow failing at pregnancy.  I know that some of the judgment I feel is most certainly perceived but I also am fully aware when it is blatant.  I have the unfortunate position at work of being the temporary replacement for a woman who sailed through her pregnancy.  This woman was as fit as you can be pre-pregnancy.  A former body builder and fitness trainer this woman at 8 months pregnant looked 6 months pregnant.  She is one of those tall beautiful women who only carry right in their tummy and don’t even look pregnant at most angles.  She was still training clients up until she went on leave a week before her due date and apparently wasn’t even sick.  She is your poster girl for an easy pregnancy.  Unfortunately because she had such a marvelous time no one I work with has any idea what I have been experiencing.  When they ask me how I am feeling I feel like I need to lie because when I am honest they look at me blankly and I can tell it makes them uncomfortable.  I’m sure they would really just prefer if I said “Fine!” all up beat and just left it at that.  I have sick days because I am union so I use them when I am feeling particularly in-human or worn out but then I feel guilty for using them because is pregnancy a sickness?  

The judgment began early in my pregnancy though.  As early as 8 weeks I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong because either we told people too early in some people’s opinions or because I was still drinking coffee or because I wasn’t being a complete control freak over foods to limit like medium rare steak.  It has just progressed from there.  If I decide not to take per-natal classes does that make me a bad parent?  We haven’t started buying anything for the baby and the nursery isn’t ready does that mean we are uncaring and unprepared?  If I’m having a tough time with the new and exotic changes to my body should I have known better and thus should not voice my complaints?  Should I just keep my mouth shut because just wait it gets worse, or just wait until baby comes?  Should I not have hurt feelings when complete strangers tell me I am big for how far along I am?  I feel like I need to walk around with a sign on my bump that says “Everyone handles pregnancy different.  I am allowed to feel like this sucks sometimes without being made to feel like a wuss”.  

Maybe a lot of this is me feeling like I should be handling all these changes better and I really should just give myself a break.  Maybe I am insecure and feel like having the opportunity to even have a baby is a blessing and all the stuff that goes with it is just the cost of the miracle.  But then the other voice in my head says anyone who hasn’t been through this can suck it because they have no idea and the ones who have done it can have a bit of compassion and remember how they felt during the first time and how they felt when they woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat with stabbing pains in their hip unreasonably fearing that something bad was happening before a more conscious self realized it was just a muscle spasm. 

Being pregnant can make you feel like part of a community but it can also make you feel very alone. 

The Joy of Pregnancy is a LIE

I love you more than cravings for 5 Guys Burgers in first trimester.

 

So here I am, 15 weeks preggo and I should be glowing with the joy of knowing we have been chosen by the universe to carry on the human race.  Ever since my relationship with my husband became serious four and a half years ago I have wondered; can I even have kids?  Is it possible?  I think a lot of women think this way.  Especially if in the years they have been sexually active they have never had a pregnancy scare.  So when I was 4 days late and became slightly nauseous leaving my step-daughters choir concert on my way to my dad’s birthday dinner I thought maybe I’m with child and if so I should probably know for sure because it was my turn to drink at one of these family functions.  So we stopped at Walmart and picked up a pregnancy test and headed to the parentals.  As my husband and father discussed our ever so disappointing hockey season I slipped away to do my business in the second floor bathroom.  I read the instructions very carefully, I let’er rip on the stick, re-capped that bad boy and waited.  The instructions said to wait 3 minutes.  In less than 60 seconds those 2 pink lines lit up like a Christmas tree! Standing alone in my parent’s spare bathroom my eyes began to well up with disbelief.  I guess this answered my question; I was indeed fertile.  I sat and stared for a good 10 minutes in complete shock and awe at the fact that I was at that very moment hosting the creation of life.  And then I realized I wouldn’t be drinking.  Damn!

Fast forward 5 weeks and the awe and excitement have been slightly overtaken by the constant nausea and retching.  Some days I would vomit, some days I would just be nauseous all day and other days (these were my favorite) I just retched like I was going to vomit but didn’t actually bring anything up.  My record for number of times retched in a single day I believe is 10.  For those of you who are not familiar with retching this is like dry heaving.  Imagine for a moment you have gotten sick and you throw up and you are exhausted from the vomiting and all you want to do is rest so you call in sick.  Okay so imagine that feeling all day every day for 3 weeks and subtract the calling in sick.  Welcome to my first trimester.  My first 3 months were so horrible I began to call my unborn child a mutant because I couldn’t imagine anything human could do this to the vessel providing it the nourishment for life.  

Of course lots of people had their opinions and suggestions on how to alleviate my sickness and headaches.  I tried ginger; I threw it up.  I tried sea sickness bands; didn’t work. I drank lots of water; threw it up.  I stopped drinking coffee because the smell made me sick but then my doctor told me quitting coffee was the cause of my headaches.  I just couldn’t win.  The only thing I discovered kept me away from the constant retching was small boring snacks throughout the day every time I felt the slightest bit nauseous and lots and lots of sleep!

That brings us to today.  These days I get no sleep because I am up 7 times a night going to the bathroom even when I have cut off drinking any fluids 30 mins before bed.  I was also in a car accident (3 actually) about 3 years ago so now that there is pressure on my spine I wake up with back pain 3 or 4 times a night and have to rub my back until I fall back asleep.  So it goes without saying that I am exhausted all of the time.  On top of my constant exhaustion I am a roller coaster of emotions.  I am a naturally sensitive person as it is but now I am living in a world where there are only three levels of being: angry, exhausted and emotional breakdown.  I’m not exactly the poster girl for procreation here.  And did I mention the gas?  Oh yes.  From both ends and it usually starts for me around 6pm and carries on well into my sleep.  I have finally warmed up a bit with the summer months on their way but the inability to maintain warmth was definitely a shocker.  You hear about pregnant women being warm all the time.  Nope I am the opposite.  When it is a lovely summer day I love life but as soon as the temperature drops a couple degrees I feel like I’m in the arctic and I cannot regain the warmth without layering up and cranking the heat which causes a conflict with my husband and then we are at the anger part of the day.  

No one told me pregnancy would be like this.  Oh sure you hear about the morning sickness and the cravings and being tired but almost all the information I have consumed has assured me that everything levels off in first trimester and you get a burst of energy.  I’m still waiting.  I have resolved myself that it is okay not to be enjoying pregnancy.  Not everyone can love the process.  It doesn’t mean I’m not just as excited as the mom to be cruising through her pregnancy.  I am hoping it gets better I really do but if it doesn’t, I know I can live through another 5 months of anything in order to reap the reward that is coming to us at the end of October.  So all of you preggo ladies wondering when the wondrous glow is going to kick in and pregnancy is going to be a magical thing, keep waiting because if it’s been tough up to this point third trimester doesn’t hold any new wonderful milestones except swollen feet, sore joints and pressure.  Lots of pressure in lots of fun areas of your body!

Bring on the New!

Happy Thursday!

I have been holding off on writing this particular post because let’s face it; I didn’t want to jinx it. 

I have up and quit my job!  *GASP*

Don’t worry I’m not short sighted enough to forgo an adequate payday right at the holidays armed purely with the optimism of finding something better.  There is actually a study out there somewhere (please feel free to insert reference here if you know it) that states applicants are more desirable to potential employers if they are currently employed than if they are unemployed/ “in between positions”. 

The position I am currently in is a maternity fill in that ends around May 1^st-ish (I know super specific date).  I had been applying for six months when I was offered this job.  It did not utilize the education I spent four years and a fortune obtaining and it also did not meet my financial requirements.  It was however more money than I was making at the time, amazing experience for my resume and only a one year term (so if I didn’t like it at least I had an end date).

With this experience in the back of my head and knowing there was only five months left in my term I began the arduous task of applying for my next exciting work adventure.  On November 25^th I received and email from the corporate coordinator of leisure and recreation programs for my organization informing me that there was a full time position posted for another residence and that she would highly recommend me for the job if I were so inclined to apply.  I did in fact apply only to also receive a phone call that very same night to interview for another organization in Vancouver as a program coordinator working with individuals living with mental health issues.  Eek!  Two jobs??

I interviewed for the Vancouver job and wasn’t so sure how well I had done since one of the questions was “what does being a site supervisor mean to you?” (the job posting stated the position as program coordinator) but I mis-heard her and thought she said psych supervisor and I panicked slightly suddenly questioning whether I had somehow gotten myself an interview for  position I was not at all qualified for!  Somehow I managed to maneuver my way past that question and moved on to the next round of interviews: the CEO meet and greet.  Just to add perspective all this was happening between the hours of 6-8pm because I was still working 9-5 at my job preparing for the biggest event of our year; the annual family holiday dinner hosted and coordinated my myself and my direct supervisor!

Over the course of a week and a half I had interviewed twice and been offered the position with the Vancouver organization and had not heard peep from the hiring manager for the position within my current company? Oh well! Their loss. I gave notice that Friday!

Last week I did a few hours of training after work and from what I have gathered so far is:

-       I will be working for an amazing organization

-       My union is pretty fantastic

-       I will receive full benefits

-       Free parking in Vancouver- unheard of

-       No more tolls!

-       Pension contributions!

-       My co-workers have a hefty collaboration of some serious education!

My last day at my current job is tomorrow and I start shadowing at the new one on Saturday!  Yup, big long break in there between jobs.  A whole 15.5 hours!

Wish me luck and do me a favor and just throw it out into the universe that I won’t epically fail!  Thanks! You’re a doll J

Things that might go wrong at your wedding:

I’m not being negative I am being realistic.  If you are planning your own wedding; things will go wrong and you will know it.  If you have hired a planner or a friend; things will go wrong and you might not know it!

I spent just shy of twelve months planning our wedding.  I thought I had thought of EVERYTHING! I was wrong.  Ok Aaron, it’s in writing.  Yes I admit I was wrong about something.  Planning and executing a wedding takes a team of people to help with the most minute but incredibly important tasks.  If you are like me, many people will offer you help but you decline because “you’ve got it all covered” and you are a control freak so really deep down you don’t believe anyone will do it quite like you would.  Advice: let go of the reins!  I also had a few moments when people offered me help “anytime” but when you call on them for some reason they just can’t seem to get it together to get there and lend a hand.  Every bride has these people in their lives.  These will be the same people that call you friend but then seem to miss every important event like bachelorette parties, bridal showers, birthdays and other events. 

So these are the things that went wrong at our wedding that I was aware of but by no means affected how great our wedding was!  I think I really need to state that being aware of what went wrong by no means implies that our wedding was not the most amazing day of my life so far!  We put in a ton of work and had the help of so many people and it was a beautiful day and I have been the calmest and happiest since that moment forward.  I can’t say there aren’t things I would change if I could do it again but I also look at every moment as a learning experience.  So I hope you can learn from my flubs!

1.      It rained.  We had planned to have our ceremony in the most beautiful out door venue.  In a clearing of a walkway in a public park with a view of the inlet.  There were three trees that made a natural arch where we had planned to hang a beautiful chandelier.  We made white washed garden benches for our guests to sit on and we made our oun simple flower arrangements to line the “isle”.  But it rained and everything needed to be re-imagined.  My husband and our families did a fantastic job at re-locating the ceremony onto the deck that spanned the back of our hall and it was beautiful looking over the trees to the inlet behind.  It would have been nice if the daycare below us had brought the screaming children indoors for our 20 minute ceremony but at least it is a funny memory.  You can ask any one of my bridesmaids and they will swear to you they all thought I was going to have my bridezilla moment screaming at those children.  I was too happy I wouldn’t let anything ruin our moment.

2.      Because the ceremony was in the hall, it didn’t give my bartender the peace or privacy to set up cocktail hour or prepare his bar in time.  People began to pester him while he was still trying to stock.

3.      I/my helpers forgot to put the drink tickets on the tables.

4.      I forgot to give the bartender a float so my poor MC had to run out to the bank while we had our pictures taken.

5.      We ran out of Strongbow.  We had a huge selection of beer hard liquor and ciders so we weren’t concerned.  Apparently this would not do according to my family and I watched my brother walk in with a flat of Strongbow 40 minutes later.  Why?  Love him for it though!

6.      The cake was wrong.  The bakery put our decorations on someone elses cake and the flavours were all wrong.  We had a cake to cut as well as a slab cake and everything was wrong.  The first picture of us cutting cake is me telling my husband it was wrong.  It still tasted amazing but it was not what we ordered.

7.      My bridesmaid didn’t try on her dress when she had it altered and they had forgotten to take in the top of the straps so they had to pin it.  You can tell in every picture that her dress is not quite right.  It’s a good thing she is gorgeous because I am the only one that noticed because I knew what to look for. 

8.      The freezer in the kitchen broke so we had to send the dads out for more ice.  Good thing we had all those coolers and tubs to store al the booze!

So that’s it.  Not bad right.  Not even ten things.  The only reason I am aware that any of this happened is because I had a hand in planning everything.  If I had had a planner I would not have known anything had happened.  That being said almost every item that went wrong my good friend Jenny dealt with it all like a pro.  I wish she had been a bridesmaid but I am so glad she was my MC because I would not have trusted anyone else more than I did her to make sure everything was taken care of!  I have made some questionable decisions in my life but I will never regret choosing the man I married or the women who stood up with me on the most important day of my life. 

So to all those control freaks out there.  Be prepared!  Things might go wrong, but it ends up being perfect anyway!