Don't Shake the Baby

I have to repeat this to myself.  Not because there is any risk that I would in fact shake my son but because it has become a kind of mantra for me when he is getting just wee bit out of hand.  It is one of those sayings for when you are airing parenting grievances to your bestie and you end it with an exasperated "but really motherhood is awesome, just don't shake the baby".

My monster child at this moment is pant-crying.  It's not a real cry. It comes out in a rhythm like a pant. Short and loud for no reason at all.  He has been doing it every day, throughout the day for about 3 weeks now.  I have a hard time with the crying because for the first 8-9 months of his life he only really cried when he was tired, hungry, or upset.  You know the normals. Lately though we have ventured into the frustrated cries, the "where's mom oh no where did she go" cries and the bodily harm cries.  Oh and lets not forget the new favourite tantrum cry.  I don't know how, but my lovely husband can tune all of these cries out.  I however cannot and after about 4 hours of it I am about to lose my mind.  Thus, don't shake the baby.  I am trying not to pick him up or comfort him every time he cries since in 50 days I go back to work and I really do not want to subject some poor unsuspecting daycare worker to the array of cries.  Time to toughen up kid!

The monster is so mischievous, which I guess we should be glad about because I suppose it means he is smart?  I worry he is going to be one of those horrible destroyer kids.  You know the ones.  We have all experienced a destroyer child.  They are the ones that run around restaurants or scream in the grocery store and when they are on play dates they just destroy everything in their path.  Throwing toys, banging on everything, climbing cabinets etc.  The worry is real.  In the course of 10 minutes my child has escaped his living room barricade and climbed up the stairs, wiggled his way under his playpen and gotten stuck and used his push car walker as a step stool to get up on top of the coffee table.  On the upside he is smart enough to see the weak spots of the barricade to escape, to use toys as ladders and at 10 months old is walking about like a boss. 

A month ago I dreaded the thought of going back to work but at this point I am looking forward to someone else chasing after him while I escape to adult land for 8 hours a day. Until then Lord give me the patience to not shake my baby.

Busted!

Is it that time yet?

I swear focusing on work tasks was not this difficult before I was pregnant.  

So many people have asked me how I am doing with the pregnancy lately.  I think the inquisitions have come more steadily since I have suddenly become VERY pregnant.  Honestly, I look at 7.5 months like what a lot of women look like around the time their water breaks!  I’m doing alright.  I wasn’t handling things very gracefully at the beginning of the third trimester.  It seemed as though I doubled in size over night and with the added girth I wasn’t sleeping at all and I was in pain most of the time.  Right now, right this moment I’m doing okay.  I’ve developed a pretty good bedtime routine that involves doing some stretches for my back and a good crack right before I get into my comfy position for sleep.  It seems to be working so far (knock on wood) since I have had consecutive fulfilling nights of sleep as of late. 

I’m at a point now where I actually don’t mind being pregnant.  It’s actually pretty amazing.  The movements from our little one are stronger and the pressure of him/her moving from side to side is so interesting I don’t even know how to describe it.  On my nights and days off I really enjoy just being with my family and taking care of the house.  Baking.  Organizing.  I guess they call this nesting.  The part that makes it hard is having to get up, put on my happy professional face, drive into Vancouver and work all day.  That is the part that makes pregnancy hard.  Yes, for the most part I sit at a desk.  Not the most comfortable position to be in all day.  When I’m not at the desk I am running programs; whether they are cooking or personal development programs.  It’s not hard work by any means.  It’s really not.  As my lovely Aunty Patti pointed out to me last weekend at my baby shower, my mother worked shift work in a factory when she was pregnant with us.  Pretty sure she didn’t work right up to the end but still.  That’s hard labour.  

So I guess I am torn between feeling like I just don’t want to do it any more even though I only have 6 more weeks to go and feeling guilty because so many more women have so much more demanding jobs and are getting through it.  I know I know.  Every pregnancy is different.  My mom didn’t have any sickness but she did have varicose veins, heart burn and indigestion with all her kids.  I have been lucky so far to avoid those three plus stretch marks (again, knock on wood).  I just keep telling myself one day at a time.  Just take it easy and take one day at a time.  No matter how many times I look at it and try to find a new solution, in order to be off on leave after the baby’s one year birthday I will have to keep plucking along.  6 more weeks and I can finally be home for a bit before baby comes.  Unless baby comes early then I’m screwed! 

Judgment in Pregnancy

I’m tired.  I’m tired physically.  I’m tired emotionally.  I’m tired psychologically.

Mostly I’m tired of feeling judged.  When we found out I was pregnant I was elated.  You couldn’t find a woman more excited than me to know after years of doubting my fertility that in a few months I would get to be a mother.  Something I had thought about and planned for for years.  When you meet the person you know you are going to spend the better part of your life with and I mean that literally because my husband is 100% the better part of my days, you can’t help but begin planning your life and for some that includes having children.  Because I am a planner and I like to have goals and I like to know I am working towards something instead of just treading water I have had an idea of when Aaron and I would have kids from the very beginning.  Some may call this controlling others call it organized.  I call it goal orientated.  Also, being a step-mother really has a way of enhancing that desire; because even though you impact their life greatly, the bottom line is you’re not their mom.  And whether they mean to or not, they will remind you of this technicality regularly.  

I will be honest.  As prepared as I was to become pregnant I was by no means prepared for pregnancy.  I was also not prepared for the judgment that comes with pregnancy.  I could really do without this part. 

I was aware of the morning sickness, I was told about the lack of sleep, the sore everything and the peeing.  I was educated about the cravings and the weight gain as well as the diet limitations, however despite all of this knowledge I must have used my desire to be a mom to delude myself into thinking that I was tougher than I am because most of this has been way more challenging than expected. 

The morning sickness was rough which I have documented in a previous post but I survived that and now that it is over I realize it was a short duration in contrast to the rest of pregnancy.  I was in a car accident a few years ago where a city bus rear-ended me.  I was back at school immediately and was also back at work within two weeks.  How hard could pregnancy be?  For the most part it’s not that bad and at 6 months I know it’s just going to get worse.  So yeah my feet go from normal to hobbit in 2 minutes flat and I wake up in the middle of the night with shooting pains up my calves and in my hips, I’m constantly in a zombie like trance because I haven’t had more than an hour and a half of consecutive sleep.  I get back pain sitting or standing, there is no in between.  Oh and the irritability which creates conflict at home where I would prefer to be most. Other than that it really isn’t that bad.  

I think all of this would be manageable if I didn’t feel like I was somehow failing at pregnancy.  I know that some of the judgment I feel is most certainly perceived but I also am fully aware when it is blatant.  I have the unfortunate position at work of being the temporary replacement for a woman who sailed through her pregnancy.  This woman was as fit as you can be pre-pregnancy.  A former body builder and fitness trainer this woman at 8 months pregnant looked 6 months pregnant.  She is one of those tall beautiful women who only carry right in their tummy and don’t even look pregnant at most angles.  She was still training clients up until she went on leave a week before her due date and apparently wasn’t even sick.  She is your poster girl for an easy pregnancy.  Unfortunately because she had such a marvelous time no one I work with has any idea what I have been experiencing.  When they ask me how I am feeling I feel like I need to lie because when I am honest they look at me blankly and I can tell it makes them uncomfortable.  I’m sure they would really just prefer if I said “Fine!” all up beat and just left it at that.  I have sick days because I am union so I use them when I am feeling particularly in-human or worn out but then I feel guilty for using them because is pregnancy a sickness?  

The judgment began early in my pregnancy though.  As early as 8 weeks I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong because either we told people too early in some people’s opinions or because I was still drinking coffee or because I wasn’t being a complete control freak over foods to limit like medium rare steak.  It has just progressed from there.  If I decide not to take per-natal classes does that make me a bad parent?  We haven’t started buying anything for the baby and the nursery isn’t ready does that mean we are uncaring and unprepared?  If I’m having a tough time with the new and exotic changes to my body should I have known better and thus should not voice my complaints?  Should I just keep my mouth shut because just wait it gets worse, or just wait until baby comes?  Should I not have hurt feelings when complete strangers tell me I am big for how far along I am?  I feel like I need to walk around with a sign on my bump that says “Everyone handles pregnancy different.  I am allowed to feel like this sucks sometimes without being made to feel like a wuss”.  

Maybe a lot of this is me feeling like I should be handling all these changes better and I really should just give myself a break.  Maybe I am insecure and feel like having the opportunity to even have a baby is a blessing and all the stuff that goes with it is just the cost of the miracle.  But then the other voice in my head says anyone who hasn’t been through this can suck it because they have no idea and the ones who have done it can have a bit of compassion and remember how they felt during the first time and how they felt when they woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat with stabbing pains in their hip unreasonably fearing that something bad was happening before a more conscious self realized it was just a muscle spasm. 

Being pregnant can make you feel like part of a community but it can also make you feel very alone.