Judgment in Pregnancy

I’m tired.  I’m tired physically.  I’m tired emotionally.  I’m tired psychologically.

Mostly I’m tired of feeling judged.  When we found out I was pregnant I was elated.  You couldn’t find a woman more excited than me to know after years of doubting my fertility that in a few months I would get to be a mother.  Something I had thought about and planned for for years.  When you meet the person you know you are going to spend the better part of your life with and I mean that literally because my husband is 100% the better part of my days, you can’t help but begin planning your life and for some that includes having children.  Because I am a planner and I like to have goals and I like to know I am working towards something instead of just treading water I have had an idea of when Aaron and I would have kids from the very beginning.  Some may call this controlling others call it organized.  I call it goal orientated.  Also, being a step-mother really has a way of enhancing that desire; because even though you impact their life greatly, the bottom line is you’re not their mom.  And whether they mean to or not, they will remind you of this technicality regularly.  

I will be honest.  As prepared as I was to become pregnant I was by no means prepared for pregnancy.  I was also not prepared for the judgment that comes with pregnancy.  I could really do without this part. 

I was aware of the morning sickness, I was told about the lack of sleep, the sore everything and the peeing.  I was educated about the cravings and the weight gain as well as the diet limitations, however despite all of this knowledge I must have used my desire to be a mom to delude myself into thinking that I was tougher than I am because most of this has been way more challenging than expected. 

The morning sickness was rough which I have documented in a previous post but I survived that and now that it is over I realize it was a short duration in contrast to the rest of pregnancy.  I was in a car accident a few years ago where a city bus rear-ended me.  I was back at school immediately and was also back at work within two weeks.  How hard could pregnancy be?  For the most part it’s not that bad and at 6 months I know it’s just going to get worse.  So yeah my feet go from normal to hobbit in 2 minutes flat and I wake up in the middle of the night with shooting pains up my calves and in my hips, I’m constantly in a zombie like trance because I haven’t had more than an hour and a half of consecutive sleep.  I get back pain sitting or standing, there is no in between.  Oh and the irritability which creates conflict at home where I would prefer to be most. Other than that it really isn’t that bad.  

I think all of this would be manageable if I didn’t feel like I was somehow failing at pregnancy.  I know that some of the judgment I feel is most certainly perceived but I also am fully aware when it is blatant.  I have the unfortunate position at work of being the temporary replacement for a woman who sailed through her pregnancy.  This woman was as fit as you can be pre-pregnancy.  A former body builder and fitness trainer this woman at 8 months pregnant looked 6 months pregnant.  She is one of those tall beautiful women who only carry right in their tummy and don’t even look pregnant at most angles.  She was still training clients up until she went on leave a week before her due date and apparently wasn’t even sick.  She is your poster girl for an easy pregnancy.  Unfortunately because she had such a marvelous time no one I work with has any idea what I have been experiencing.  When they ask me how I am feeling I feel like I need to lie because when I am honest they look at me blankly and I can tell it makes them uncomfortable.  I’m sure they would really just prefer if I said “Fine!” all up beat and just left it at that.  I have sick days because I am union so I use them when I am feeling particularly in-human or worn out but then I feel guilty for using them because is pregnancy a sickness?  

The judgment began early in my pregnancy though.  As early as 8 weeks I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong because either we told people too early in some people’s opinions or because I was still drinking coffee or because I wasn’t being a complete control freak over foods to limit like medium rare steak.  It has just progressed from there.  If I decide not to take per-natal classes does that make me a bad parent?  We haven’t started buying anything for the baby and the nursery isn’t ready does that mean we are uncaring and unprepared?  If I’m having a tough time with the new and exotic changes to my body should I have known better and thus should not voice my complaints?  Should I just keep my mouth shut because just wait it gets worse, or just wait until baby comes?  Should I not have hurt feelings when complete strangers tell me I am big for how far along I am?  I feel like I need to walk around with a sign on my bump that says “Everyone handles pregnancy different.  I am allowed to feel like this sucks sometimes without being made to feel like a wuss”.  

Maybe a lot of this is me feeling like I should be handling all these changes better and I really should just give myself a break.  Maybe I am insecure and feel like having the opportunity to even have a baby is a blessing and all the stuff that goes with it is just the cost of the miracle.  But then the other voice in my head says anyone who hasn’t been through this can suck it because they have no idea and the ones who have done it can have a bit of compassion and remember how they felt during the first time and how they felt when they woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat with stabbing pains in their hip unreasonably fearing that something bad was happening before a more conscious self realized it was just a muscle spasm. 

Being pregnant can make you feel like part of a community but it can also make you feel very alone. 

The Joy of Pregnancy is a LIE

I love you more than cravings for 5 Guys Burgers in first trimester.

 

So here I am, 15 weeks preggo and I should be glowing with the joy of knowing we have been chosen by the universe to carry on the human race.  Ever since my relationship with my husband became serious four and a half years ago I have wondered; can I even have kids?  Is it possible?  I think a lot of women think this way.  Especially if in the years they have been sexually active they have never had a pregnancy scare.  So when I was 4 days late and became slightly nauseous leaving my step-daughters choir concert on my way to my dad’s birthday dinner I thought maybe I’m with child and if so I should probably know for sure because it was my turn to drink at one of these family functions.  So we stopped at Walmart and picked up a pregnancy test and headed to the parentals.  As my husband and father discussed our ever so disappointing hockey season I slipped away to do my business in the second floor bathroom.  I read the instructions very carefully, I let’er rip on the stick, re-capped that bad boy and waited.  The instructions said to wait 3 minutes.  In less than 60 seconds those 2 pink lines lit up like a Christmas tree! Standing alone in my parent’s spare bathroom my eyes began to well up with disbelief.  I guess this answered my question; I was indeed fertile.  I sat and stared for a good 10 minutes in complete shock and awe at the fact that I was at that very moment hosting the creation of life.  And then I realized I wouldn’t be drinking.  Damn!

Fast forward 5 weeks and the awe and excitement have been slightly overtaken by the constant nausea and retching.  Some days I would vomit, some days I would just be nauseous all day and other days (these were my favorite) I just retched like I was going to vomit but didn’t actually bring anything up.  My record for number of times retched in a single day I believe is 10.  For those of you who are not familiar with retching this is like dry heaving.  Imagine for a moment you have gotten sick and you throw up and you are exhausted from the vomiting and all you want to do is rest so you call in sick.  Okay so imagine that feeling all day every day for 3 weeks and subtract the calling in sick.  Welcome to my first trimester.  My first 3 months were so horrible I began to call my unborn child a mutant because I couldn’t imagine anything human could do this to the vessel providing it the nourishment for life.  

Of course lots of people had their opinions and suggestions on how to alleviate my sickness and headaches.  I tried ginger; I threw it up.  I tried sea sickness bands; didn’t work. I drank lots of water; threw it up.  I stopped drinking coffee because the smell made me sick but then my doctor told me quitting coffee was the cause of my headaches.  I just couldn’t win.  The only thing I discovered kept me away from the constant retching was small boring snacks throughout the day every time I felt the slightest bit nauseous and lots and lots of sleep!

That brings us to today.  These days I get no sleep because I am up 7 times a night going to the bathroom even when I have cut off drinking any fluids 30 mins before bed.  I was also in a car accident (3 actually) about 3 years ago so now that there is pressure on my spine I wake up with back pain 3 or 4 times a night and have to rub my back until I fall back asleep.  So it goes without saying that I am exhausted all of the time.  On top of my constant exhaustion I am a roller coaster of emotions.  I am a naturally sensitive person as it is but now I am living in a world where there are only three levels of being: angry, exhausted and emotional breakdown.  I’m not exactly the poster girl for procreation here.  And did I mention the gas?  Oh yes.  From both ends and it usually starts for me around 6pm and carries on well into my sleep.  I have finally warmed up a bit with the summer months on their way but the inability to maintain warmth was definitely a shocker.  You hear about pregnant women being warm all the time.  Nope I am the opposite.  When it is a lovely summer day I love life but as soon as the temperature drops a couple degrees I feel like I’m in the arctic and I cannot regain the warmth without layering up and cranking the heat which causes a conflict with my husband and then we are at the anger part of the day.  

No one told me pregnancy would be like this.  Oh sure you hear about the morning sickness and the cravings and being tired but almost all the information I have consumed has assured me that everything levels off in first trimester and you get a burst of energy.  I’m still waiting.  I have resolved myself that it is okay not to be enjoying pregnancy.  Not everyone can love the process.  It doesn’t mean I’m not just as excited as the mom to be cruising through her pregnancy.  I am hoping it gets better I really do but if it doesn’t, I know I can live through another 5 months of anything in order to reap the reward that is coming to us at the end of October.  So all of you preggo ladies wondering when the wondrous glow is going to kick in and pregnancy is going to be a magical thing, keep waiting because if it’s been tough up to this point third trimester doesn’t hold any new wonderful milestones except swollen feet, sore joints and pressure.  Lots of pressure in lots of fun areas of your body!

Bring on the New!

Happy Thursday!

I have been holding off on writing this particular post because let’s face it; I didn’t want to jinx it. 

I have up and quit my job!  *GASP*

Don’t worry I’m not short sighted enough to forgo an adequate payday right at the holidays armed purely with the optimism of finding something better.  There is actually a study out there somewhere (please feel free to insert reference here if you know it) that states applicants are more desirable to potential employers if they are currently employed than if they are unemployed/ “in between positions”. 

The position I am currently in is a maternity fill in that ends around May 1^st-ish (I know super specific date).  I had been applying for six months when I was offered this job.  It did not utilize the education I spent four years and a fortune obtaining and it also did not meet my financial requirements.  It was however more money than I was making at the time, amazing experience for my resume and only a one year term (so if I didn’t like it at least I had an end date).

With this experience in the back of my head and knowing there was only five months left in my term I began the arduous task of applying for my next exciting work adventure.  On November 25^th I received and email from the corporate coordinator of leisure and recreation programs for my organization informing me that there was a full time position posted for another residence and that she would highly recommend me for the job if I were so inclined to apply.  I did in fact apply only to also receive a phone call that very same night to interview for another organization in Vancouver as a program coordinator working with individuals living with mental health issues.  Eek!  Two jobs??

I interviewed for the Vancouver job and wasn’t so sure how well I had done since one of the questions was “what does being a site supervisor mean to you?” (the job posting stated the position as program coordinator) but I mis-heard her and thought she said psych supervisor and I panicked slightly suddenly questioning whether I had somehow gotten myself an interview for  position I was not at all qualified for!  Somehow I managed to maneuver my way past that question and moved on to the next round of interviews: the CEO meet and greet.  Just to add perspective all this was happening between the hours of 6-8pm because I was still working 9-5 at my job preparing for the biggest event of our year; the annual family holiday dinner hosted and coordinated my myself and my direct supervisor!

Over the course of a week and a half I had interviewed twice and been offered the position with the Vancouver organization and had not heard peep from the hiring manager for the position within my current company? Oh well! Their loss. I gave notice that Friday!

Last week I did a few hours of training after work and from what I have gathered so far is:

-       I will be working for an amazing organization

-       My union is pretty fantastic

-       I will receive full benefits

-       Free parking in Vancouver- unheard of

-       No more tolls!

-       Pension contributions!

-       My co-workers have a hefty collaboration of some serious education!

My last day at my current job is tomorrow and I start shadowing at the new one on Saturday!  Yup, big long break in there between jobs.  A whole 15.5 hours!

Wish me luck and do me a favor and just throw it out into the universe that I won’t epically fail!  Thanks! You’re a doll J

Things that might go wrong at your wedding:

I’m not being negative I am being realistic.  If you are planning your own wedding; things will go wrong and you will know it.  If you have hired a planner or a friend; things will go wrong and you might not know it!

I spent just shy of twelve months planning our wedding.  I thought I had thought of EVERYTHING! I was wrong.  Ok Aaron, it’s in writing.  Yes I admit I was wrong about something.  Planning and executing a wedding takes a team of people to help with the most minute but incredibly important tasks.  If you are like me, many people will offer you help but you decline because “you’ve got it all covered” and you are a control freak so really deep down you don’t believe anyone will do it quite like you would.  Advice: let go of the reins!  I also had a few moments when people offered me help “anytime” but when you call on them for some reason they just can’t seem to get it together to get there and lend a hand.  Every bride has these people in their lives.  These will be the same people that call you friend but then seem to miss every important event like bachelorette parties, bridal showers, birthdays and other events. 

So these are the things that went wrong at our wedding that I was aware of but by no means affected how great our wedding was!  I think I really need to state that being aware of what went wrong by no means implies that our wedding was not the most amazing day of my life so far!  We put in a ton of work and had the help of so many people and it was a beautiful day and I have been the calmest and happiest since that moment forward.  I can’t say there aren’t things I would change if I could do it again but I also look at every moment as a learning experience.  So I hope you can learn from my flubs!

1.      It rained.  We had planned to have our ceremony in the most beautiful out door venue.  In a clearing of a walkway in a public park with a view of the inlet.  There were three trees that made a natural arch where we had planned to hang a beautiful chandelier.  We made white washed garden benches for our guests to sit on and we made our oun simple flower arrangements to line the “isle”.  But it rained and everything needed to be re-imagined.  My husband and our families did a fantastic job at re-locating the ceremony onto the deck that spanned the back of our hall and it was beautiful looking over the trees to the inlet behind.  It would have been nice if the daycare below us had brought the screaming children indoors for our 20 minute ceremony but at least it is a funny memory.  You can ask any one of my bridesmaids and they will swear to you they all thought I was going to have my bridezilla moment screaming at those children.  I was too happy I wouldn’t let anything ruin our moment.

2.      Because the ceremony was in the hall, it didn’t give my bartender the peace or privacy to set up cocktail hour or prepare his bar in time.  People began to pester him while he was still trying to stock.

3.      I/my helpers forgot to put the drink tickets on the tables.

4.      I forgot to give the bartender a float so my poor MC had to run out to the bank while we had our pictures taken.

5.      We ran out of Strongbow.  We had a huge selection of beer hard liquor and ciders so we weren’t concerned.  Apparently this would not do according to my family and I watched my brother walk in with a flat of Strongbow 40 minutes later.  Why?  Love him for it though!

6.      The cake was wrong.  The bakery put our decorations on someone elses cake and the flavours were all wrong.  We had a cake to cut as well as a slab cake and everything was wrong.  The first picture of us cutting cake is me telling my husband it was wrong.  It still tasted amazing but it was not what we ordered.

7.      My bridesmaid didn’t try on her dress when she had it altered and they had forgotten to take in the top of the straps so they had to pin it.  You can tell in every picture that her dress is not quite right.  It’s a good thing she is gorgeous because I am the only one that noticed because I knew what to look for. 

8.      The freezer in the kitchen broke so we had to send the dads out for more ice.  Good thing we had all those coolers and tubs to store al the booze!

So that’s it.  Not bad right.  Not even ten things.  The only reason I am aware that any of this happened is because I had a hand in planning everything.  If I had had a planner I would not have known anything had happened.  That being said almost every item that went wrong my good friend Jenny dealt with it all like a pro.  I wish she had been a bridesmaid but I am so glad she was my MC because I would not have trusted anyone else more than I did her to make sure everything was taken care of!  I have made some questionable decisions in my life but I will never regret choosing the man I married or the women who stood up with me on the most important day of my life. 

So to all those control freaks out there.  Be prepared!  Things might go wrong, but it ends up being perfect anyway!

The First Home Purchase

 

Everyone has an opinion about your first home purchase.  Sometimes those opinions are sought out and sometimes they are volunteered.  Some of them whether sought or volunteered are openly accepted and others are judgemental and narrow minded. 

Anyone who is in the process of buying a home, whether it is their first ever or tenth is required to take into account many variables.  Usually the number one factor in purchasing a home is affordability.  Can you afford the mortgage and all the fun extra costs that come with owning a home?  As a renter my entire life, it was important for me to be aware of and prepared for all of the extra costs associated with purchasing our first home.  Five years ago I would not have thought about the differing property taxes depending on geographic area or strata fees associated with owning a condo or townhouse.  Not to mention those strata fees can be ridiculous depending on the age of the property.  I wouldn’t have known about CMHC costs or lawyer’s fees.  I did know about insurance but definitely didn’t have a clue how much it would cost.  All this and I haven’t even gotten to the luxury extras that are probably included in your rent right now like hot water, heat, cable, internet and in our case due to my aunt being my land lord; toilet paper, coffee filters and paper towels!  Don’t forget if you are buying brand new there are those pesky taxes thrown onto the list price. 

I’m sure for most people this is common knowledge and you are thinking to yourself, who is this ditz!  I think for those of us who have always rented and never really thought they would own a home on their own, when it comes time to buy, the extra costs can seem overwhelming.  I was 26 and in my first year of College when I met my husband.  I had basically come to terms that between my student loans and drinking my way through my 20’s it would be a long time before I was ready to buy my own home if ever.  These days it is very difficult to own a home with one income.  Oh sure a one bedroom condo it pretty attainable for most but still it takes time to save that down payment. 

Back to the point: once you have ascertained what is affordable for your income other factors come into play.  Geography: where do you want to live?, commute time, tolls, family, work, friends amenities etc.  It would be way less expensive to move to Mission or Abbotsford but are you willing to drive further, and isolate yourself from friends and family just to get a bigger house for your money?  This isn’t’ Texas, size should not be the determination of value.

In our case the number two and only factor that really matters in our search for the perfect first home is that my husband’s daughter, my stepdaughter lives in Coquitlam.  Right now we don’t get nearly enough time with her due to the fact that having her more during the week involves driving 45 minutes to an hour the wrong direction in rush hour to get her to school hopefully leaving me with enough time to get to work. Not to mention the poor thing then has to get up at 6am to get ready.  When searching for our first home we are fully aware that because of where we want to be located our list prices are going to be 10-20% higher than other reasonable neighbourhoods. 

Oh and did I mention that everyone has an opinion.  “Don’t buy a townhouse if you can manage it” recommends one lovely friend.  “Do you know what you could get if you bought in Abbotsford” suggests another well meaning person.  “That same place would cost you way less in Maple Ridge” mentions another.  All very valid points, however every one of those scenarios comes with a “but”.  We could buy a four bedroom three and a half bathroom house built in 1979 within our budget BUT we already live in Pitt Meadows and hate the commute and how long it takes to even just get to the grocery store.  We hate that everything in Maple Meadows closes at ridiculous hours during the week and Lougheed Highway completely bottlenecks after the Pitt River Bridge.  Oh and did I not mention that we want to see MORE of our kid not less.  Built in 1979, guess I know where all of our income is going over the next ten years: Renovations! So this is how every conversation has gone.  Everyone has great points and yes it is up to us to decide what works best for our family.  What we have decided is that being close to those we love and care about is most important and increasing our chances of doing that is the best decision for us!  We are more than happy to hear everyone’s opinions and take them all into consideration, but please just remember; it’s not just about space and money to us.  Some things are just more important than all of that!