Is it that time yet?

I swear focusing on work tasks was not this difficult before I was pregnant.  

So many people have asked me how I am doing with the pregnancy lately.  I think the inquisitions have come more steadily since I have suddenly become VERY pregnant.  Honestly, I look at 7.5 months like what a lot of women look like around the time their water breaks!  I’m doing alright.  I wasn’t handling things very gracefully at the beginning of the third trimester.  It seemed as though I doubled in size over night and with the added girth I wasn’t sleeping at all and I was in pain most of the time.  Right now, right this moment I’m doing okay.  I’ve developed a pretty good bedtime routine that involves doing some stretches for my back and a good crack right before I get into my comfy position for sleep.  It seems to be working so far (knock on wood) since I have had consecutive fulfilling nights of sleep as of late. 

I’m at a point now where I actually don’t mind being pregnant.  It’s actually pretty amazing.  The movements from our little one are stronger and the pressure of him/her moving from side to side is so interesting I don’t even know how to describe it.  On my nights and days off I really enjoy just being with my family and taking care of the house.  Baking.  Organizing.  I guess they call this nesting.  The part that makes it hard is having to get up, put on my happy professional face, drive into Vancouver and work all day.  That is the part that makes pregnancy hard.  Yes, for the most part I sit at a desk.  Not the most comfortable position to be in all day.  When I’m not at the desk I am running programs; whether they are cooking or personal development programs.  It’s not hard work by any means.  It’s really not.  As my lovely Aunty Patti pointed out to me last weekend at my baby shower, my mother worked shift work in a factory when she was pregnant with us.  Pretty sure she didn’t work right up to the end but still.  That’s hard labour.  

So I guess I am torn between feeling like I just don’t want to do it any more even though I only have 6 more weeks to go and feeling guilty because so many more women have so much more demanding jobs and are getting through it.  I know I know.  Every pregnancy is different.  My mom didn’t have any sickness but she did have varicose veins, heart burn and indigestion with all her kids.  I have been lucky so far to avoid those three plus stretch marks (again, knock on wood).  I just keep telling myself one day at a time.  Just take it easy and take one day at a time.  No matter how many times I look at it and try to find a new solution, in order to be off on leave after the baby’s one year birthday I will have to keep plucking along.  6 more weeks and I can finally be home for a bit before baby comes.  Unless baby comes early then I’m screwed! 

Judgment in Pregnancy

I’m tired.  I’m tired physically.  I’m tired emotionally.  I’m tired psychologically.

Mostly I’m tired of feeling judged.  When we found out I was pregnant I was elated.  You couldn’t find a woman more excited than me to know after years of doubting my fertility that in a few months I would get to be a mother.  Something I had thought about and planned for for years.  When you meet the person you know you are going to spend the better part of your life with and I mean that literally because my husband is 100% the better part of my days, you can’t help but begin planning your life and for some that includes having children.  Because I am a planner and I like to have goals and I like to know I am working towards something instead of just treading water I have had an idea of when Aaron and I would have kids from the very beginning.  Some may call this controlling others call it organized.  I call it goal orientated.  Also, being a step-mother really has a way of enhancing that desire; because even though you impact their life greatly, the bottom line is you’re not their mom.  And whether they mean to or not, they will remind you of this technicality regularly.  

I will be honest.  As prepared as I was to become pregnant I was by no means prepared for pregnancy.  I was also not prepared for the judgment that comes with pregnancy.  I could really do without this part. 

I was aware of the morning sickness, I was told about the lack of sleep, the sore everything and the peeing.  I was educated about the cravings and the weight gain as well as the diet limitations, however despite all of this knowledge I must have used my desire to be a mom to delude myself into thinking that I was tougher than I am because most of this has been way more challenging than expected. 

The morning sickness was rough which I have documented in a previous post but I survived that and now that it is over I realize it was a short duration in contrast to the rest of pregnancy.  I was in a car accident a few years ago where a city bus rear-ended me.  I was back at school immediately and was also back at work within two weeks.  How hard could pregnancy be?  For the most part it’s not that bad and at 6 months I know it’s just going to get worse.  So yeah my feet go from normal to hobbit in 2 minutes flat and I wake up in the middle of the night with shooting pains up my calves and in my hips, I’m constantly in a zombie like trance because I haven’t had more than an hour and a half of consecutive sleep.  I get back pain sitting or standing, there is no in between.  Oh and the irritability which creates conflict at home where I would prefer to be most. Other than that it really isn’t that bad.  

I think all of this would be manageable if I didn’t feel like I was somehow failing at pregnancy.  I know that some of the judgment I feel is most certainly perceived but I also am fully aware when it is blatant.  I have the unfortunate position at work of being the temporary replacement for a woman who sailed through her pregnancy.  This woman was as fit as you can be pre-pregnancy.  A former body builder and fitness trainer this woman at 8 months pregnant looked 6 months pregnant.  She is one of those tall beautiful women who only carry right in their tummy and don’t even look pregnant at most angles.  She was still training clients up until she went on leave a week before her due date and apparently wasn’t even sick.  She is your poster girl for an easy pregnancy.  Unfortunately because she had such a marvelous time no one I work with has any idea what I have been experiencing.  When they ask me how I am feeling I feel like I need to lie because when I am honest they look at me blankly and I can tell it makes them uncomfortable.  I’m sure they would really just prefer if I said “Fine!” all up beat and just left it at that.  I have sick days because I am union so I use them when I am feeling particularly in-human or worn out but then I feel guilty for using them because is pregnancy a sickness?  

The judgment began early in my pregnancy though.  As early as 8 weeks I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong because either we told people too early in some people’s opinions or because I was still drinking coffee or because I wasn’t being a complete control freak over foods to limit like medium rare steak.  It has just progressed from there.  If I decide not to take per-natal classes does that make me a bad parent?  We haven’t started buying anything for the baby and the nursery isn’t ready does that mean we are uncaring and unprepared?  If I’m having a tough time with the new and exotic changes to my body should I have known better and thus should not voice my complaints?  Should I just keep my mouth shut because just wait it gets worse, or just wait until baby comes?  Should I not have hurt feelings when complete strangers tell me I am big for how far along I am?  I feel like I need to walk around with a sign on my bump that says “Everyone handles pregnancy different.  I am allowed to feel like this sucks sometimes without being made to feel like a wuss”.  

Maybe a lot of this is me feeling like I should be handling all these changes better and I really should just give myself a break.  Maybe I am insecure and feel like having the opportunity to even have a baby is a blessing and all the stuff that goes with it is just the cost of the miracle.  But then the other voice in my head says anyone who hasn’t been through this can suck it because they have no idea and the ones who have done it can have a bit of compassion and remember how they felt during the first time and how they felt when they woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat with stabbing pains in their hip unreasonably fearing that something bad was happening before a more conscious self realized it was just a muscle spasm. 

Being pregnant can make you feel like part of a community but it can also make you feel very alone. 

The Joy of Pregnancy is a LIE

I love you more than cravings for 5 Guys Burgers in first trimester.

 

So here I am, 15 weeks preggo and I should be glowing with the joy of knowing we have been chosen by the universe to carry on the human race.  Ever since my relationship with my husband became serious four and a half years ago I have wondered; can I even have kids?  Is it possible?  I think a lot of women think this way.  Especially if in the years they have been sexually active they have never had a pregnancy scare.  So when I was 4 days late and became slightly nauseous leaving my step-daughters choir concert on my way to my dad’s birthday dinner I thought maybe I’m with child and if so I should probably know for sure because it was my turn to drink at one of these family functions.  So we stopped at Walmart and picked up a pregnancy test and headed to the parentals.  As my husband and father discussed our ever so disappointing hockey season I slipped away to do my business in the second floor bathroom.  I read the instructions very carefully, I let’er rip on the stick, re-capped that bad boy and waited.  The instructions said to wait 3 minutes.  In less than 60 seconds those 2 pink lines lit up like a Christmas tree! Standing alone in my parent’s spare bathroom my eyes began to well up with disbelief.  I guess this answered my question; I was indeed fertile.  I sat and stared for a good 10 minutes in complete shock and awe at the fact that I was at that very moment hosting the creation of life.  And then I realized I wouldn’t be drinking.  Damn!

Fast forward 5 weeks and the awe and excitement have been slightly overtaken by the constant nausea and retching.  Some days I would vomit, some days I would just be nauseous all day and other days (these were my favorite) I just retched like I was going to vomit but didn’t actually bring anything up.  My record for number of times retched in a single day I believe is 10.  For those of you who are not familiar with retching this is like dry heaving.  Imagine for a moment you have gotten sick and you throw up and you are exhausted from the vomiting and all you want to do is rest so you call in sick.  Okay so imagine that feeling all day every day for 3 weeks and subtract the calling in sick.  Welcome to my first trimester.  My first 3 months were so horrible I began to call my unborn child a mutant because I couldn’t imagine anything human could do this to the vessel providing it the nourishment for life.  

Of course lots of people had their opinions and suggestions on how to alleviate my sickness and headaches.  I tried ginger; I threw it up.  I tried sea sickness bands; didn’t work. I drank lots of water; threw it up.  I stopped drinking coffee because the smell made me sick but then my doctor told me quitting coffee was the cause of my headaches.  I just couldn’t win.  The only thing I discovered kept me away from the constant retching was small boring snacks throughout the day every time I felt the slightest bit nauseous and lots and lots of sleep!

That brings us to today.  These days I get no sleep because I am up 7 times a night going to the bathroom even when I have cut off drinking any fluids 30 mins before bed.  I was also in a car accident (3 actually) about 3 years ago so now that there is pressure on my spine I wake up with back pain 3 or 4 times a night and have to rub my back until I fall back asleep.  So it goes without saying that I am exhausted all of the time.  On top of my constant exhaustion I am a roller coaster of emotions.  I am a naturally sensitive person as it is but now I am living in a world where there are only three levels of being: angry, exhausted and emotional breakdown.  I’m not exactly the poster girl for procreation here.  And did I mention the gas?  Oh yes.  From both ends and it usually starts for me around 6pm and carries on well into my sleep.  I have finally warmed up a bit with the summer months on their way but the inability to maintain warmth was definitely a shocker.  You hear about pregnant women being warm all the time.  Nope I am the opposite.  When it is a lovely summer day I love life but as soon as the temperature drops a couple degrees I feel like I’m in the arctic and I cannot regain the warmth without layering up and cranking the heat which causes a conflict with my husband and then we are at the anger part of the day.  

No one told me pregnancy would be like this.  Oh sure you hear about the morning sickness and the cravings and being tired but almost all the information I have consumed has assured me that everything levels off in first trimester and you get a burst of energy.  I’m still waiting.  I have resolved myself that it is okay not to be enjoying pregnancy.  Not everyone can love the process.  It doesn’t mean I’m not just as excited as the mom to be cruising through her pregnancy.  I am hoping it gets better I really do but if it doesn’t, I know I can live through another 5 months of anything in order to reap the reward that is coming to us at the end of October.  So all of you preggo ladies wondering when the wondrous glow is going to kick in and pregnancy is going to be a magical thing, keep waiting because if it’s been tough up to this point third trimester doesn’t hold any new wonderful milestones except swollen feet, sore joints and pressure.  Lots of pressure in lots of fun areas of your body!