I’m tired. I’m
tired physically. I’m tired
emotionally. I’m tired psychologically.
Mostly I’m tired of feeling judged. When we found out I was pregnant I was elated. You couldn’t find a woman more excited than
me to know after years of doubting my fertility that in a few months I would
get to be a mother. Something I had
thought about and planned for for years.
When you meet the person you know you are going to spend the better part
of your life with and I mean that literally because my husband is 100% the better
part of my days, you can’t help but begin planning your life and for some that
includes having children. Because I am a
planner and I like to have goals and I like to know I am working towards something
instead of just treading water I have had an idea of when Aaron and I would
have kids from the very beginning. Some
may call this controlling others call it organized. I call it goal orientated. Also, being a step-mother really has a way of
enhancing that desire; because even though you impact their life greatly, the
bottom line is you’re not their mom. And
whether they mean to or not, they will remind you of this technicality
regularly.
I will be honest.
As prepared as I was to become pregnant I was by no means prepared for
pregnancy. I was also not prepared for
the judgment that comes with pregnancy.
I could really do without this part.
I was aware of the morning sickness, I was told
about the lack of sleep, the sore everything and the peeing. I was educated about the cravings and the
weight gain as well as the diet limitations, however despite all of this
knowledge I must have used my desire to be a mom to delude myself into thinking
that I was tougher than I am because most of this has been way more challenging
than expected.
The morning sickness was rough which I have
documented in a previous post but I survived that and now that it is over I
realize it was a short duration in contrast to the rest of pregnancy. I was in a car accident a few years ago where
a city bus rear-ended me. I was back at
school immediately and was also back at work within two weeks. How hard could pregnancy be? For the most part it’s not that bad and at 6
months I know it’s just going to get worse.
So yeah my feet go from normal to hobbit in 2 minutes flat and I wake up
in the middle of the night with shooting pains up my calves and in my hips, I’m
constantly in a zombie like trance because I haven’t had more than an hour and
a half of consecutive sleep. I get back
pain sitting or standing, there is no in between. Oh and the irritability which creates
conflict at home where I would prefer to be most. Other than that it really isn’t
that bad.
I think all of this would be manageable if I didn’t
feel like I was somehow failing at pregnancy.
I know that some of the judgment I feel is most certainly perceived but I
also am fully aware when it is blatant. I
have the unfortunate position at work of being the temporary replacement for a woman
who sailed through her pregnancy. This woman
was as fit as you can be pre-pregnancy. A
former body builder and fitness trainer this woman at 8 months pregnant looked
6 months pregnant. She is one of those
tall beautiful women who only carry right in their tummy and don’t even look
pregnant at most angles. She was still
training clients up until she went on leave a week before her due date and
apparently wasn’t even sick. She is your
poster girl for an easy pregnancy.
Unfortunately because she had such a marvelous time no one I work with
has any idea what I have been experiencing.
When they ask me how I am feeling I feel like I need to lie because when
I am honest they look at me blankly and I can tell it makes them
uncomfortable. I’m sure they would
really just prefer if I said “Fine!” all up beat and just left it at that. I have sick days because I am union so I use
them when I am feeling particularly in-human or worn out but then I feel guilty
for using them because is pregnancy a sickness?
The judgment began early in my pregnancy
though. As early as 8 weeks I was made
to feel like I was doing something wrong because either we told people too
early in some people’s opinions or because I was still drinking coffee or because
I wasn’t being a complete control freak over foods to limit like medium rare
steak. It has just progressed from
there. If I decide not to take per-natal
classes does that make me a bad parent?
We haven’t started buying anything for the baby and the nursery isn’t ready
does that mean we are uncaring and unprepared?
If I’m having a tough time with the new and exotic changes to my body should
I have known better and thus should not voice my complaints? Should I just keep my mouth shut because just
wait it gets worse, or just wait until baby comes? Should I not have hurt feelings when complete
strangers tell me I am big for how far along I am? I feel like I need to walk around with a sign
on my bump that says “Everyone handles pregnancy different. I am allowed to feel like this sucks sometimes
without being made to feel like a wuss”.
Maybe a lot of this is me feeling like I should be handling
all these changes better and I really should just give myself a break. Maybe I am insecure and feel like having the
opportunity to even have a baby is a blessing and all the stuff that goes with
it is just the cost of the miracle. But
then the other voice in my head says anyone who hasn’t been through this can
suck it because they have no idea and the ones who have done it can have a bit
of compassion and remember how they felt during the first time and how they
felt when they woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat with stabbing pains
in their hip unreasonably fearing that something bad was happening before a
more conscious self realized it was just a muscle spasm.
Being pregnant can make you feel like part of a
community but it can also make you feel very alone.
